Togetherness

The family that _________ together, stays together!

Is it possible to fill that blank with just about anything? Well, barring any illegal activities… yes, it is!

There have been many versions of the saying through the years, and in fact I think it started as ‘The family that prays together stays together’. While this saying may have started out as a slogan to get families to church, I find it has much more meaning when you look at the word ‘together’.

You would think the emphasis should be on the activity the family does, however, I think it’s more important to be together. This isn’t meant to minimize the effect prayer has, but rather to take a look at togetherness in the family setting.

The family that cooks together, stays together!

When I was a child, we were exiled from my mother’s kitchen. Anyone that dared to traipse in there looking for a snack would have to answer to the guardian of all our food, my mother. I frequently have to explain to my mother, that I don’t have time to guard food. I put the best choices I can in easy reach, and hope for the best. It is demoralizing when I have to throw away wilted salad, and then vacuum up debris from chips they got into while I was busy, but I try to remember that more often then not the salad bowls are in the sink to wash, and the chips are still in the cupboard!

When you start to have a larger family, food preparation time can really eat into your schedule. So why do it alone? I like to prep vegetables at the kitchen table, where my two-year-old can always be found. He always is curious about what I’m doing and we have fun naming each item and their color. It also helps me be more mindful of my selection of veggies! If he says “Green!” three times in a row, I know I need to get some more colors into my veggie diet.

Of course, there are endless blog posts about food creations you can make with your kids, in fact I have one myself! Play with Your Food was a post I did last year with Halloween food crafts. But what these posts don’t tell you is the finished product isn’t always so pretty, as the nice pictures bloggers put into their posts, and afterwards, the kitchen is a huge mess. I actually remember taking pictures for that post at such an angle that readers would be able to see the huge mess the kids had made. Although I did mention the mess in a post later that month, about Being Present in the Moment. Maybe, this year, in an effort to be more transparent, I’ll include the mess in my blog pictures, so people will know what they are getting themselves into when they decide to cook with their kids.

One thing I can’t show you in a picture, is the pride my kids have, as they grow older and are able to (and do!) make better food choices for themselves. With the knowledge of how to prepare food, they are given more to choose from than just whatever plastic bag they can rip into. Plus, it becomes an activity that brings them fond memories of their early childhood and time together with us, their parents.

The family that eats together, stays together!

Many people don’t even have time to ponder if sit-down meals bring a family closer together, never mind actually have one. With all the schedules of parents and children’s after school activities, it sometimes seems impossible to get everyone under the same roof, forget about getting them to the same table. But I am a supporter of the family sit-down meal.

When children are small, it is mostly on you to clear enough room in your schedule for a sit-down meal each day. If you don’t, you not only rob your children of time with you, interacting unfettered by the outside world distractions, you rob yourself! We spend so much time doing the less than pleasant part of parenting, it is a really nice change to just slow down and take your children in for a moment. How big they are getting, how much they have learned and what thoughts run through those little minds.

When the kids get older, it becomes more difficult to find that slice of time when everyone can sit down. I remember that my mother somehow made it work, and there was an 18-year age span between the four of us. So, when I started school, my brother was graduating and going to college, and my little sister had just been born. When we all got older, my mom still made us sit down for dinner at least once a week. And I adore her for it. I can recall the enthusiastic way my dad and brother would discuss New England sports, and how my sister and I, only 4 years apart, would kick each other under the table, and then my younger sister would say something adorable and everyone would stop and say “Awwww, how sweet.”

Of course, you can only remember these things if there are no phones at dinner, and although back then, it just meant you would let the phone ring, or later, let the fancy new answering machine pick it up, it’s the same concept. No phones at dinner!

The family that cleans together, stays together!

All this cooking and eating makes a huge mess, of course, and it’s why so many chose not to do it. It takes less time to get through the dinner routine if you don’t pull out all the stops. I mean, for some of you, as you read through the last two sections were already picturing your kitchen sink with plates, pots and pans, the floor and table covered with food and not enough energy to deal with that.

When you have a heavy load, it’s always easier when you have some help. Plus work aids in digestion. So, we all clean it up together. Someone takes the baby and cleans him up, someone else put away the leftovers, while another cleans the table and floor. In 10 minutes we have the whole mess cleaned up and everyone can relax. I have never had a meal cleanup last longer than 15 minutes. I know you may think that’s impossible, it takes forever to do all that work, but in reality, it just doesn’t take that long.

I have many friends that clean the house themselves, to avoid the long, inevitable, drawn out task of getting their kids involved in the effort. Even older children can break out the toddler tantrums when you ask them to do chores. So, I use the same tactic I use with my toddler when I want him to eat something, I make them pick between two things I want to happen. Then I just do the other one and my work has been cut in half. I will warn those that are very particular about how chores are done, you may find yourself going behind your children and re-doing the task up to your standard, but don’t use that as an excuse to skip having them so it. When children see what it takes to keep the house nice and tidy, they appreciate you more. Plus they’ll live on their own someday, and they won’t be able to say that you never taught them how to clean!

The family that games together, stays together!

You begin to see that anything that your family does together can have benefits for your family and strengthen your bond, but what about broadening your horizon, and getting into your kid’s turf for a little bit. My parents never had video games, in Ireland, they were lucky to have much at all, but I got into gaming in college, and now I play with my kids. The games they have are very different from what was available to me, and most of the games, I really can’t see myself playing. But I do play Minecraft with the younger kids and last weekend, we started a action role playing game called Diablo, with the older kids. While they saw it as a chance to show off their superior gaming skills, my husband and I used it as an opportunity to teach team work. With four players on the screen, you need to work together to accomplish the game’s goals. Not only that, but you have to sometimes sacrifice for the team. It is obvious that the other games they play teach them to grab all the loot and horde it for themselves. But in Diablo, your team is stronger if you support each other by sharing loot with the team, so that each player has the best statistics for game play.

It’s great for families to do things together, and you don’t need things to be perfect to spend time with your kids. Other things we do together include working out and vegging out in front of the TV; Being super productive and finishing a big project and being super lazy and doing nothing all day. Any and all of these things are opportunities to spend time with your family. Then, maybe, just maybe, you’ll be able to use the bathroom by yourself again!

What are some of the things your family does together?

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Things Work Out

My sister sent me this poem in an email some years ago. I don’t remember what the occasion was, maybe it was during the time of my divorce, or that time I got fired for accidentally exposing my company’s owner as fraud (I’ll have to write about that one). Whatever it was, it passed and things did, indeed, work out. I’m hoping they will again, as I go in tonight for the MRI on my femur to check out that bone tumor. As the doctor said, it’s most likely benign, and the only evidence that this moment gave me a little scare, will be this post, which I share with all of you.

Things Work Out

by Poet: Edgar A. Guest

Because it rains when we wish it wouldn’t,
Because men do what they often shouldn’t,
Because crops fail, and plans go wrong-
Some of us grumble all day long.
But somehow, in spite of the care and doubt,
It seems at last that things work out.

Because we lose where we hoped to gain,
Because we suffer a little pain,
Because we must work when we’d like to play-
Some of us whimper along life’s way.
But somehow, as day always follows the night,
Most of our troubles work out all right.

Because we cannot forever smile,
Because we must trudge in the dust awhile,
Because we think that the way is long-
Some of us whimper that life’s all wrong.
But somehow we live and our sky grows bright,
And everything seems to work out all right.

So bend to your trouble and meet your care,
For the clouds must break, and the sky grow fair.
Let the rain come down, as it must and will,
But keep on working and hoping still.
For in spite of the grumblers who stand about,
Somehow, it seems, all things work out.

This is actually part of my commute to work. I get to start the day with this view.

This is actually part of my commute to work. I get to start the day with this view.

You Are Enough

What does happy look like to you? Right now, you may be thinking of things that you need to get done and goals you want to accomplish. I remember when I was younger, thinking that I would be happy when… queue list of unobtainable standards. Once I looked like Cindy Crawford, I would be happy and could enjoy life. Once I had that car in the ad, my life would take off with possibilities. Until then, I would not allow myself to enjoy anything. Achieving your dreams is hard work, right?

I’m glad I dumped that way of thinking. It took the pressure off myself and it opened up opportunities I couldn’t see when I had my blinders on. I saw that I could obtain personal health, but I would never look like Cindy, I quit worrying about my status symbol car, picked up a $500 Chevy and was off to new places. Not allowing yourself to be happy while in pursuit of your goals is toxic.

Then I wondered if I’m still thinking the same way – only now, my unobtainable goal is being a supermom, and I have a million excuses why I am not or can’t be one.

Look around the internet and there is always a group that states their way is better and you’re doing it wrong. Some may be satirical (and hilarious!), but in the end, you have set the standard for yourself. For me, being a supermom means being pretty close to perfect. Since I feel nowhere near perfect, it perpetuates my view of my self as not yet supermom – a person who is striving to get there, but hasn’t quite met the criteria.

I do this to myself.

Part of my goals in writing this blog is to see all the effort I put into being a parent, so that I can have a more realistic view of how I’m doing. As I start to look at myself more objectively, I see that I expend an enormous amount of energy being a mom. When I’m physically present, actually caring directly for the kids, or when I’m on my break at work, and I’m looking for experiences we can enjoy as a family, I’m thinking about how to give them a childhood that will give them a leg up in adulthood.

Yesterday I told my husband that I’m not perfect. He immediately protested “Yes, you are!” and just that simple statement made me realize I am perfect, in a way. I’m the perfect person to take care of my family.

So whether the pressure on you comes from within or without, please realize that you are enough. You are the perfect person to care for your children and family. The fact that you are striving to be better shows how much you care.

In writing this post, I stumbled across #endmommywars, a movement to stop spreading judgement amongst moms and bring support to a group that needs it – parents. I also found this great post by one of the panel members, Erika Bragdon, you can find here. These are great tips to help with insecurity you may feel as a mother.

Remember to be kind to yourself. You are enough.

Also, add supermom to your dictionary:

Capture 

The Secret Diary of Agent Spitback

It’s a bunch of shift work

Today, Oz Spies has a great article for New York Magazine that speaks to the ever-increasing trend of tag-team parenting. With the cost of childcare skyrocketing, it really makes it quite impossible for myself and my peers to afford having children in daycare, so that both spouses can work during the week. It seems that tag team parenting is the direction more and more families are headed in.

I work a full-time 9 to 5 office job, that provides my family with our health benefits. My job is important to me, not only as my chosen career path, but to provide a stable life for my family. Therefore, everything must fit around my work schedule, as I can’t lose my job. If my boss wants me to work late, I’ve got to be there, or risk being expendable when budget cuts come around. This severely limits the job opportunities my husband can pursue. If you are putting your spouse’s career and your children before your own career, many employers do not see that as an asset to their company.

My good friend finds herself in the same position. Before the birth of her second child, she had great success as an RN. However, her husband handles state contracts to clear snow. Once the New England winter starts in earnest, her husband will be working 16+ hours a day, to make sure his small company is completing the work set for them by their contract. He makes the majority of his annual pay in this manner. The money she would make working would barely cover the daycare costs of her two small children, so she has been working 3 or 4 days a month, just enough to keep herself in practice and licensed as a nurse.

At times, it can seem not worth the effort, as our family has lost having even one day of the week when everyone is at home. My husband had to take one weekend off to take care of me, and we worried endlessly that his boss would call and fire him. Now that the fall is coming, I thought it would be nice if we could take the kids apple picking or for a hay ride, but then the obstacle appeared – when could we go? By October it will be dark when I come home from work. We could go in the morning on the weekend, but my husband has to be at work by 10 a.m. and doesn’t get off until 6 p.m. Who’s up for some 7 a.m. pumpkin shopping?

It can be frustrating, but we tell ourselves that it is only while the baby is small. Once he goes to school, there will be more opportunities. We make sure when we are all together that we make the most of it. In the meantime, it’s all a bunch of shift work.