When Small Children Act Out

When children are small, every thing is a game to them. They are curious and like to test all the boundaries. When you take them to a place where this curiosity is encouraged, like a playground, it can be an awesome event to behold. But when you are in a situation where this curiosity is not supported, like to eating out at a restaurant or when you are on a tight schedule, it can wreck havoc with your life.

So, there are two things to consider here: how to prevent a situation where your child will act out, and what to do when you’ve failed to prevent it. Dealing with your child’s tantrums can be a major source of parents feeling inadequate. You could have it all together, and then your child screams in the grocery store and you suddenly feel judged by all the patrons.

So, the first thing to adjust, like in most cases, is your own attitude. While it may be your task to go about your business as an adult in an orderly fashion, it is your child’s job to test out their world and push their boundaries. Being able to recognize that your child is not trying to misbehave, or be counterproductive, they are trying to accomplish their own agenda, which can include items like investigating what happens when they pull the apple out of the bottom of the apple pyramid at the grocer, researching people’s reactions to them throwing their food in a restaurant and using trial and error to figure out how best to get you to buy them candy. So, all in all, they are just doing their job.

I believe that understanding this fundamental piece of information can go a long way to remove some of the negative emotion from when we fail to prevent a tantrum. When you understand it isn’t personal, you can begin to see how to engage in a way with your child that is more positive.

Now, as a precursor to this advice, please realize this will not help you get a toddler to behave through a marathon of adult activities. Children can only pay attention to so much throughout any given day. Marathon events can include things like weddings, flying on a commercial airliner, to their very own birthday parties. The fact of the matter is they don’t have the stamina we have, even though we may admire their energy. I will write another post about how I get my kids through those events, and believe me, it is possible.

So, without further ado:

How to prevent situations where you child will likely to act out:

Toddlers are extremely independent souls, that are oddly so dependent on you.  They want to do things by themselves, but they need your help to navigate our society. Balance can bring you leaps and bounds ahead of the pack. So, it follows that if you want your child to sit for a long period of time, have extra active time for them, because children are filled with energy, and that energy has to go somewhere. Make a space for them to perform their experiments and make a mess. Make sure they have a proper appetite at meal time, by limiting pre-meal snacks.

Often we may take the easy route, like hand them a snack to keep them out of our hair while we make dinner, but then how is that same child supposed to focus on their dinner when they have no appetite. Without that focus, you have basically handed them a plate full of projectiles and squishy experiment projects. The easy route leads us down a path to our own detriment. It may be easier to let the child take a longer nap so we can finish our house chores before we go out, but you are then leaving the house with a fresh child ready to terrorize the world.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. Plan your child’s day as you would your own, and plan your day with your child in mind. How about an example?

Let’s say on any given weekend, I need to do 4 loads of laundry. I can schedule my day in any number of ways, but some favor more time saving for myself and other schedules prioritize positive interactions with my kids.

As a busy adult, it would seem to make sense to get the laundry over and done with as quickly as possible. At my quickest, I could finish all 4 loads in 3 hours in all. Run down to the basement, start a load, it’s easy, right? But when I go downstairs, my toddler always wants to come with. So, while I may be able to get the washing machine loaded quickly when I do it on my own, 9 times out of 10 I come back upstairs to a toddler tantrum. So, this works out to 5 minutes to load the machine and 25 minutes to calm the child and get them back to their activities.

Instead, I can take him downstairs with me. It may take me 20 minutes to load the machine, but I’m still saving 10 minutes and I’ve been able to have some teachable moments. Toddlers love to explore and going down the basement steps is good practice. Anyone with stairs in their home, will know all too well how much energy is expended in keeping stairs secure from exploring toddlers. At least, I feel if my littlest was to somehow access the stairs without my knowledge, that he is physically able to get up and down them and is less likely to have an accident, than if he had no experience with them. When I separate the clothes, I can teach him his colors, or let him feel the fabrics (this is smooth, that is rough) building his vocabulary.

Also, it is important for us to keep the outcomes of our toddler’s actions in perspective. I needed to walk our two dogs, and once again I was faced with doing the quick adult way, or slowing my pace to incorporate my toddler. So, I let him come along and he presented me with a challenge. HE wanted to hold the leash. One of our dogs is less than 10 pounds, so I knew he was strong enough to do it, but what would happen if he couldn’t? The dog could pull loose and run away.

Now, I use a leash to keep my dog from running away. But if I’m honest, the toddler is the only person that hasn’t accidentally let the dog loose, simply due to a lack of opportunity. So, if he were to let the dog run off, it would be no worse than any number of times I had lost the dog. Our small dog, is a Pomeranian, and she will come when she is called. So, I handed my 22 month old the leash with confidence, and he didn’t let me down.

So, it really comes down to making space in our busy modern lives for these little ones. So then, what about when you’ve done all this to accommodate your small child, but then they throw a tantrum anyways.

System Failure. Child Tantrum Imminent. Now What?

You’re at the bank, and you are using this as a moment to teach your toddler numbers, but they get upset. The denominations of the currency doesn’t match the numbers they learned on Sesame Street. 2 comes after 1, not 5. Where is the $2 bill? You try to explain, but it’s too late. Unless you can produce that $2 bill now, a full blown tantrum is on it’s way. Your child is already raising their voice in excitement.

At this point, the energy has already built up in their tiny little bodies, and now it needs to be released. Whatever it was that has pushed them over that edge, keep in mind that you can’t bring them back from the edge they just flung themselves from, the energy release has already begun. Your job now is to limit the stimulus your child is experiencing. So get them into a calm quiet environment and ride it out.

Remember that they can’t keep up that amount of energy required for kicking and screaming, so soon they will calm. Once you reach this break, don’t introduce new stimulus to the situation, or they will act up immediately. I see this happen sometimes with my husband, when our little one wants a toy, and he can’t find it. The baby proceeds to have a fit, and as soon as he stops to catch his breath, my husband will present the previously missing toy. The baby will erupt once again.

Keep in mind that it probably wasn’t the toy that pushed the baby over the edge, maybe he was tired, or hungry or had a a dirty diaper and the missing toy only provided a catalyst to release the pent up energy he felt about the situation.

Don’t feel bad about your hasty retreat if this happens in public. These things happen. I’ve had meals hastily boxed up so we could quickly leave a restaurant, or even laid in the bedroom in the dark with my son, so he could calm down.

What have you found has helped with keeping your small children from acting out?

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Just Say YES!

To keep your sanity, just say NO YES!!

There are many sources of advice on how to say “No.” An internet search will pull up many tips and hints on how to say no to people to lower your stress and increase your productivity. I’m going to tell you the opposite – just say YES!

With the myriad of things each day we have to do, choose to do or do because we finally have two minutes of down time, it is important to limit how thin you spread yourself. Only, that isn’t what people are doing. We end up saying no to family time and yes to more work.

I’m not economy expert, but I can see people happy to still have a job, while they watched coworkers laid off or forced into early retirement. It certainly doesn’t seem like a good time to ask for that vacation time off, does it? Sometimes, the work of those that have gone is foisted upon you, as the positions at your job go unfilled.

So, when you shuffle on home at the end of the day, you just need to relax. We’ve been told, letting stress build up is no good for your health. So, you have to take action to control your stress. Maybe you workout to combat stress. Maybe you eat your feelings. Whatever your plan (or non-plan) may be, you have your routine to keep your sanity. So, when your family asks you to change that, it is understandable why you might get a little nervous and cling to your routine with a resounding “No.”

Work commute

Even though this is part of my commute, I still need to de-stress when I get home from work.

All work and no play makes Supermom a dull girl. It’s a good thing I’m not yet Supermom, because I can set my routine aside and get me some yes.

If you follow my blog, you may know I’ve been suffering some leg pain, and recently was told I have a bone tumor in my femur. So, when my husband asked me out of the blue to go for a walk with him one evening after work, I definitely had a valid excuse. When I opened my mouth to answer him, “Yes.” came out instead. It wasn’t a long walk and we didn’t break a sweat, but I had a chance to connect with my husband, which I would have missed out on had I declined his invitation.

My 12-year-old suddenly emerged from his room, which is a rare circumstance indeed, and asked if he could watch TV with me. I had too much to do to play couch potato in the middle of the afternoon, he must see how busy I am. “Sure.” As we watched one of his favorite shows, he started telling me about the people on the show. Then we ended up having a conversation about his future, and that he may not want to go to the regular high school, here in our town. Even though all his friends will be going there, he thinks he wants to go to the Technical High School. Now, we could have discussed this later, he has the rest of this year and next school year to decide. But I was there for him, and now we both know that when he needs a sounding board, I’ll be there for him.

I am by no means a superfan of sports, but I like cheering for the local teams, and this time of year that means watching Patriot’s games. (I love the Bruins, but the channel their games is broadcasted on, is not in our cable package, BOO COMCAST!). Then, the baby indicated he wanted to explore outside. The sun was going down, and it would be getting cool. I was all comfy, settled in to watch the game. Don’t I deserve some “Me” time?

Instead, I said “Okay.” and outside we went, where this happened:

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Maybe that isn’t so much, but I bet it meant something to him, more than looking at the leaves through the glass door, or hearing me cheer for the Patriots. Then something even better happened. My husband came outside to join us and snapped this picture of me and the baby:IMG_0923

That’s my hubby’s finger in the upper right hand corner, but who cares? I love this picture. And all I had to do was say “Yes.” So, go out there and get yourself all of the Yes you can squeeze in.

What did you say yes to today?

How to Stay Strong in the Face of Bad News

There will always be times in your life when things do not go your way. To be able to move forward despite your disappointment is a skill that any supermom, or any one for that matter, needs to master.

For many years, this was a skill that eluded me. I looked to my brother and his struggles and learned from his example. He never let obstacles slow him down, he would just adjust course. To read more about his story, please read my post Loss of a Sibling.

It would seem that recently, life has been testing my ability to stay strong in the face of utter defeats. I think I’ve done well coping with my new struggles this year, and I hope you can employ these tips and stay strong.

#1. Reach out for support.

It is my time to shine. I had a good year at work. I met my goals, I even surpassed some. I did get a “Good job.” from my boss for the marked improvement in report submission. The improvement is appreciated. Perfect time to ask for that promotion, right?

Maybe not. But next year looks good.

I was crushed. I held it together, and finished the meeting with my boss. We finished with a strategy to get me that promotion, next year. After she left my office, though, it was time to call in my support group. I called my husband first, who promptly called my boss a jerk. After, I called my mom, who of course decided that my boss was only trying to keep me down because I was her work horse, her secret weapon. I made her look good, and it just wouldn’t do to have me be promoted out of there.

These things aren’t true, of course. But in that moment, it’s what I really needed. Because I didn’t want to end that meeting with a smile and a handshake, I wanted to scream in her face! Doesn’t she know how expensive things are? How hard I’ve worked? How much I needed that raise? How can I work properly when I’m constantly worried about providing for my family? I can’t even afford their health insurance benefit anymore. Each year the premium has risen, so they are taking more and more out of my check. A small raise would help at least cover their expensive premiums, but without one, my check gets smaller and smaller.

But your support group shouldn’t just put down those that disappoint you. Nothing will show my boss that I deserve that promotion more than taking her constructive criticism and coming back more dedicated than ever. After that initial emotionally charged period, your support network will help you move on to the next step. From the extra hug I got from my husband the next morning before work, to a coworker that gave me tips on how she got her promotion when she was in a similar situation at our office, they give you the support to come back strong.

#2. Be sad.

Sometimes, I just have myself a little cry. It may not sound like something a strong person would do, but to keep your emotions stuffed down in side you is not good for you. A very smart lady said “It takes a shit ton of strength and courage to be a sensitive person in this world.” (Thanks Hattie Cooper/The Anxious Girl’s Guide to Dating in 2013)

People tend to give you space and time to be sad when catastrophic events occur. I still shed a tear for my brother at random moments. Misting up over the miscarriage is more difficult, because I didn’t tell people at work what had happened, and I don’t want to. Taking those few moments to have a cry can reinforce you. It is a release of the stress and emotion building up inside you. Let it go, let it out, and you’ll feel better.

For smaller disappointments, this strategy still works. Give yourself a little time to release the emotion from each small disappointment. If you are a private person, that is fine. Excuse yourself and find a space where you can release the emotion. This leaves you unfettered and ready to handle the next emotional thing that will happen in your day.

#3. Process what happened.

After you let out the emotion, there is more room in your brain for making plans.

At a recent doctor appointment for my chronic knee pain, the doctor let me know at the end of my visit that I had a tumor on my femur. His attitude was laid-back, meant to keep me calm about what he was telling me. They wanted an MRI of my femur, so they could better judge if it was benign or malignant, but I shouldn’t go home and worry because they were confident it was benign.

Well, Google isn’t so confident. It seems these types of tumors are more common in young people who are still growing. So, to have developed this in my late 30’s tells me (again the source being Google) that it is most likely malignant. Freak out time!

Nope, I’m going to stay strong. The fact is, it could be malignant, but all the Googling in the world won’t diagnose my tumor. I need to get an MRI, and then maybe a biopsy, gather the data to determine what type of tumor it is. Either way, some type of treatment will be called for, and I can deal with it when that happens.

To try to process something that hasn’t happened yet can just drive you crazy. There are so many ‘what ifs’ out there, it’s a miracle we make it through each day. But we do, most times without incident. So, stick to the facts.

#4. Make a plan.

Plans are great. They can fill you with energy. It is like looking up at an insurmountable peak, and then seeing that around the corner, there are steps that you can take to the top. The steps are your plan. My boss and I made goals for the coming year. Reaching those goals will make it easier to get a promotion. So, I made plans on things I can do at work that will help me reach those goals. My husband and I, though crushed by our loss this past summer, plan to continue to try for another baby. Just making that decision helped me recover some of my strength. We have also planned a memorial on what would have been the baby’s birth date. He wants us to get matching tattoos to remember our son – that plan isn’t final yet. My doctor and I have a plan for my femur. I’m going to get an MRI and see him again at the end of the month.

Having a plan can make you feel in control over a situation that may have left you feeling helpless. You are not helpless, make a plan, or adjustments to your previous plans, to get to where you want to be.

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Moms are pure strength. We have to be strong for many reasons. But it isn’t something that just happens overnight. If you are feeling downtrodden, reach out to your support network, feel all the feels, but keep your focus on the facts of what happened, then, make a plan to get yourself back on track. This will lead you to see the strength that is within you.

How do you stay strong? Please share in the comments.

My Work Doesn’t Offer the Best Health Insurance for MY Family – Open Enrollment

I’ve been watching all the pennies lately, trying to improve my financial well-being. I have reconfigured our budget, consolidated our debt, clipped coupons and overhauled our rewards programs. There are great resources out there to help the financially non-savvy, such as myself, educate themselves about how money works and what steps to take to reach your financial goals, whatever they may be. One of my favorites right now is The Black Belt of Finance blog. Check it out.

For many people, it is open enrollment time. Time to review and update your health insurance benefits, either through work or with the your state’s health insurance marketplace (which you can find via www.healthcare.gov.)

Once I got to the place in my career where health insurance was a given benefit, I naturally assumed the plans my job offered were the best that were available to me. Maybe at one time, that was true. Before the Affordable Care Act, it seemed reasonable to assume that because your employer was paying for a portion of your insurance premium, that you would never be able to find a comparable insurance plan for less money. Really, it wasn’t something that was even on my radar, to shop around for health insurance. If your employer offered it, you took it.

That seems to have changed, and people should sit up and take notice, because they could be saving themselves money!

For my particular situation, it was a few factors, all happening together, that made my insurance shopping a must.

First, my employer decided to so some shopping themselves. They did a review health plans, and decided they would stick with our current provider. That’s fine. However, as part of the review, they took into account changing to high- deductible health plans. They found it would save them money. Emphasis on them. The employees ended up getting a raw deal. The insurance company saved money, and my company saved money, but the employees ended up with big bills, even though my employer still paid 75% of our premium.

Second, the Affordable Care Act provided new ways to get health insurance along with subsidies to help you pay premiums. Really, you are trading having your employer pay a portion, to letting Uncle Sam pay a portion.

Third, my family grew quickly. I used to only have to insure my self and my son. Then I got married and had a baby, which doubled the number of people I had to find coverage for. It has also been discussed beginning to include my step-children on our insurance. If we choose to do that, I would be covering 6 people.

Let’s take a look at some real world numbers, to make the point clear:

Back in 2013, on my old health plan, I paid $434.16 a month for my portion of the insurance premium. What I got in return for my hard-earned money was a plan that did not require a Primary Care Physician (PCP), had no deductible, I didn’t need referrals to see a specialist, I paid a flat rate for my prescriptions, and I only spent $1990 that year out-of-pocket. I felt that maybe I wasn’t getting a deal, but the chuck of change that came out of my check bought me freedom from the dreaded medical bills, which can wreak havoc on a budget. Total expense: $7199.92

Now let’s look at 2014, when the new plans were offered. I opted for a High Deductible plan with a Health Savings Account. Our company (maybe out of guilt) offered to deposit $1500 in our HSA. This was a crucial selling point to those, like me, that were upset at losing our previous plan, while expensive, provided us a sense of peace that the bills were taken care of. It was also important, because my individual deductible was $1500 ($3000 for the family). I knew I would reach my deductible early in the year, because I had the baby in 2014, in April to be exact. So, for the rest of the year I enjoyed cheaper prescriptions, and no bills when seeing the doctor. We all did. For this, I had to pay $390.32 a month.

That’s right, $44 separated the nirvana of not worrying about medical bills, to me doing all the work, chasing down insurance payments and making sure nothing slipped through the cracks. How many times have I wished I could pay $44 a month for someone to take this headache off my To-Do list. On top of the premium deduction, I also put $180/month into my HSA. I spent the full $3000 deductible out of my HSA and rolled over $660 to 2015. I also spent $684.67 on prescriptions. Total Expense: $6868.51

When you compare the two years, the cost is very similar, if you include the cost of my time to handle all the bills.

So, then 2015 came along. The premium went up to $421.72. The new plan wasn’t so bad, maybe more work on my part, but what could I do, it’s what my work offered. The big difference was, since I didn’t have a big medical event (thank goodness), like the delivery in 2014, we didn’t hit our deductible until September. And forget the money in the HSA, it’s gone. Because not only do I have to pay the deductible, I have to pay full price on prescriptions until I meet that deductible. One prescription I had been on for years, I had to suddenly stop taking, because I went to refill it and it was $800! So far, I’m on track to spend more in 2015, than I did in either 2014 or 2013. Prescriptions alone will end up costing me $860. New glasses cost $329.93, I didn’t get myself any, I couldn’t afford new glasses, even though my prescription changed. And i have yet to re-order contacts for my husband and son. Total (Estimated) Expense: ~$8000

I found myself no longer making decisions based on what was best for my health, but what I could afford. Oh, how I missed 2013. Keep in mind, this is for a healthy family. My children only have been to the doctor for well-visits.

So, I took a look at what was offered through my state’s insurance marketplace, and found my children were eligible for insurance at no cost to me, and my husband and I were eligible for a subsidy. In fact, I can insure my family for $86 a month through this system. If I kept my plan through work, the rates for 2016 would be $441.54 per month.

Of course, this sounds too good to be true, so I had to check it out. I would be back to the old co-pay system $20 to visit the doctor, $50 to go to the E.R., my prescriptions would be $10 each. It doesn’t offer vision benefits, and I couldn’t find a place to even add vision, but the benefit I currently have is crap. It’s only good for 25% off my glasses and contacts (which we all wear except the baby), and when we got new glasses last month, we couldn’t even use my insurance vision benefit, because we took advantage of the buy one get one free promotion at the store. I would also have to go back to the old system of seeing my primary care physician any time I needed to see a specialist, to get a referral.

I’m not a financial guru, or any type of expert on insurance, I can only tell you how this change has felt. Seeing how things have played out in 2015, which is more indicative of how this new plan will work for my family, I feel betrayed by my company. But my upbringing tells me not to accept hand-outs. My company has shifted the health insurance cost onto me, but it is my choice as to whether or not I should pass that burden on the U.S. taxpayers, something frowned upon in my family.

And yet, my parents grew up in Ireland. When they went to the doctor, it was part of the public health care system. Today, people would say if you can’t afford health care, you shouldn’t have children. That wasn’t the case then, as my dad was 1 of 9 and my mother had 11 siblings. I remember clearly my father discussing that medical care was not sought in many cases in my extended family. Many of my relatives that stayed in Ireland died of different types of cancers, mostly weeks after consulting a doctor, because for them, you didn’t see a doctor until you were gravely ill.

So, here I am, with a decision to make. An extra $350 a month in my paycheck would be huge. The cost to my employer, if I opt to go with them would be $1766.16. The cost to the tax payer, if I opt for the subsidy, $408. I think no matter which I choose, the insurance company comes out on top.

Have you shopped around for health insurance? What has been your experience? Do you have any advice for me? Please comment below. Thanks!

I Agree with Kayne West: A Plea to Designers of Apps for Toddlers

My world does not cross with Kayne West’s world very often. (Read: at all). He is a famous celebrity, a rapper, record producer and fashion designer. I am your average working mom just trying to make sense of my world. With the vast differences in our experiences, it is little wonder I don’t share many of his views on things. I couldn’t begin to fathom what his life is like.

So when I heard about his tweet regarding in-app purchases on games for toddlers a few weeks ago, I, for one, could finally relate to the guy. I hope by now, he has managed to turn on the parental controls on his iPad to keep North from running up any more bills. Kim seems to know all about it so she can help him out.

But even with the in-app purchasing disabled, it is extremely frustrating for not only the parent, but also the child when they are trying to use, what is advertised as, a game for kids. Let’s take for example, my toddler’s favorite game: EduKidsRoom by Cubic Frog. Just typing that, I sang the little opening like the children in the app. I can’t help, it is the #1 thing my son likes to open when he gets his mitts on my iPad. It is one of the apps I don’t mind him using, because it shows him letters and colors. He always gets excited when yellow shows up, and cheers “Yellow” just like the kids in the game. It is marked as for ages 2 to 6, and my son is only 18 months old, so to be fair, he is using the game outside of the suggested parameters. Here is a shot of the opening screen:

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But seconds later, you get this screen:

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This ad pops up shortly after you open the app. I mean – just look at it. Of course the baby has tapped it, because he doesn’t know any better. It is bright and colorful. It’s baby click-bait!

The pause before it shows up is just long enough that your finger is already in motion to hit the “Play” button. Even I have been tricked into clicking on the pop-up ad. It opens up the company’s website on Safari, and you are no longer in the game. The baby has already learned to hit the Home button to exit out and reopen the game again, only to once again have the pop up ad redirect him. He gets frustrated and abandons it. So, to resolve the issue, I bought the full version, through the handy-dandy ads placed in the game.

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IMG_0852But even then, there are links to places baby doesn’t want to go, like a website by Cubic Frog for parents, a link to rate the app and of course a link to the App Store, so you can buy more Cubic Frogs games. It seems you are supposed to tap and hold for these items to open, but they open with a regular tap too. Not that it would matter, because toddlers don’t differentiate between tapping and holding and just tapping. The baby is drawn to tapping on these links because they are colorful buttons, and the baby is coo-coo for buttons right now. (He takes an enormous amounts of selfies, because he can’t help but press that shiny red button in the camera app.)

It seems a simple enough solution to start the game for him, so he doesn’t see the home screen, to access these links, but seeing that the only button on the iPad is the Home button, he frequently exits the game only to reopen it. With this particular app, it returns to the main screen, no matter how briefly you’ve left the app.

So now that someone like Kanye has expressed his frustration with these kid’s apps, let’s use this visibility to make a plea to app designers for toddlers: Stop the nonsense!

(I wonder if this will be part of Kanye’s platform when he runs for President in 2020?)

Ready to Try Again

When I suffered my miscarriage back in the summer, the question hung in the air; Would my husband and I like to try to conceive again?

This was a hard thing to think about while I dealt with my grief. I felt like there would be time later to decide this. Then we got the all clear from my doctor. We are physically able to try to conceive. But am I prepared mentally?

The miscarriage shattered the world I lived in previously. In that world, nothing bad could happen, I was a super pregnancy unicorn. With my first son, I was very sick and lost 30 lbs., due to my nausea. I couldn’t keep anything down. Somehow, he managed to grown to a whopping 9.5 lbs! I don’t know how I did it, but I did. With my second son, I was scared of giving birth. I was 11 years older and not in the great shape I was in at 25 years old. Would I be strong enough? Apparently, I was too strong, as I barely got into my first good push and the doctor yelped “Whoa, whoa, whoa!” – the baby was already out!

So, I felt like I was made to have babies. It just seemed to go well for me. Extreme nausea aside, most people didn’t even realize I was pregnant until I was almost due. My tall frame made for plenty of room for little ones to grow.

Back in the summer, in that doctor’s office, with no heartbeat to be found, I just knew it must be something wrong with the equipment. Things just work out for me, this couldn’t happen to me.

But it did happen.

Now, we have to decide if we want to try again. We are certain we want another child, but now the worries are around every corner. I am fallible.

The questions are many and none are productive thoughts. “What if it happens again?” “What if we struggle to get pregnant?” “What if the doctor missed something?” “Can I stand to go through that again?”

To dwell on negative thoughts such as these is not helpful, but they creep into your mind, and you can’t help it. Before, I would just assume things would be fine, but now, I know better. Things can go awry, for apparently no reason. But it’s in that fact that I find my hope to push past the negative fears in my head.

There was nothing I could have done to save my baby.

So, going forward, I can only do my best, and hope that we will be blessed once again with good news. I will use my fear to motivate me to a healthier state, both physically and mentally. Because to let my fear paralyze me will cause me to miss out on what’s to come.

Sending Mixed Signals to Your Child

I was mad, and I was going to show it. “What I actually said was…”

I never got to finish what I was saying because just as my voice grew louder, aggravated by my husband’s inability to hear what I was saying, the baby decided to mimic me: “Argh-a-dada-ba-da!”

That is what I probably sounded like to my husband too. If I wasn’t so ashamed, I would have had to laugh. I just stared at the baby, who was unaware how his mocking me had affected me. He simply was copying what he was hearing, and what he heard was my yelling.

I have been more aware lately of the messages we are sending to our youngest family member. At just 17 months old, he is starting to pick up our ways of interacting and speaking to each other. I hardly want the baby to think it is okay to yell and scream at people. Lesson learned. For all of us. We keep our tone more docile now, and it’s nice that we aren’t all hollering to each other all over the house. Growing up, my family was like that. Someone would start a story, someone else would think that their story was better so they would interrupt the first person, being sure to speak more loudly to be heard. Before long, our nice family dinner would be all 6 of us talking as loud as possible with no one listening. This is a trait I never noticed about my family, until I left home for college and met other families, that conversed in a more civil manner.

I had a conversation with my husband about other poor habits we may be instilling in our little one. My husband loves to rough house with the boys – and we are a rowdy house of boys to be sure. One night, when my 10 year old stepson came to stay, the baby was so happy to see him, he swatted him in the face. I understand that I’m the lone girl in a house of boys, however, what happened next dismayed me. My husband and 12 year old son laughed. The baby thought it was great so he hit him again!

It may be easier for your older children to distinguish the nuances of these interactions. It seems ridiculous that such a sweet cherub would a) be vicious and/or b) hurt anyone with his baby smacks. But the baby doesn’t know why you’re laughing, he just knows he likes it. And he will see no reason why it wouldn’t bring laughter from you again – say at the park. With someone’s child. So, we all know the golden rule, if you don’t want your toddler to hit, don’t hit. If you don’t want them to yell, don’t yell. You also can’t laugh when they go off on their tirades of baby language gibberish, or swat at someone.

With that being said, are there mixed signals we send to the kids, that maybe aren’t so obvious? Normally, we think about this when children are small, since they seem to mimic all of our behaviors. What about older children? When I was growing up, my parents never drank coffee, instead opting for tea, as they were used to doing in Ireland. By the time my younger sister was entering high school, my mom had a cup a day, which she normally picked up from Dunkin Donuts. I don’t drink coffee, not ever. My sister, who moved to the West coast, now regularly gets Dunkin Donuts coffee sent to her via mail. Wherever we go, she is always on the hunt for a good cup of coffee.

Now maybe drinking coffee isn’t a big deal. If anything I feel freakish amongst my office mates when I divulge that I don’t drink coffee. But what about driving habits? My father taught all of us how to drive, including my mother. But we rode in the car with my mother the most. So, despite being taught very technical aspect of driver from a CDL license holder, I drove like my third-time-is-the-charm driving test flunking mother. Several speeding tickets in my youth and huge insurance rates finally broke my poor driving habits, although I still yell at other drivers, just like my mom.

As the children grow older, they become more attuned to your daily habits. Do you workout? Or are you a card-carrying member of the couch potato club? Do you make poor choices when deciding what to eat? Do you spend money frivolously? Do you take time to read? Really, it can be any habit – good or bad – that your child will pick up from you. There are many articles about smoking parents are more likely to have kids that smoke. I don’t think that I have ever seen a parent that would wish for their child to start a smoking habit.

When debating the role-model parenting style, many people wish to point out that some actions are things that adults do, like drinking alcohol, and are not meant for children. Therefore, as an adult, you should be free to do as you wish. I disagree for the main fact that even the adult things I do, I still try to be a role model. My parents drank socially, and many of my drinking habits come from what I watched them do as a child. I don’t drink alone, I don’t drink and drive, and I don’t get wasted. These come from distinctive childhood memories, seeing my parents drink responsibly.

Children can also learn a lot for you messing up, and when you do mess up, own it and apologize. So, instead of launching a much deserved tirade at my husband, who doesn’t listen, I apologized, lowered my voice and repeated what he hadn’t heard, several times. Maybe the baby will mimic my sweet apologetic tone when he get older and messes up.

In the meantime, I’ll just do my best supermom act, until I make it to supermom status.

“I Can’t Do That, I’m Watching the Baby…”

Me: “Is the laundry done?”

Husband: “I didn’t have time, I was busy watching the baby.”

Me: “Is your homework done?”

Son: “I didn’t have time, I was watching the baby.”

Apparently, my 17 month old is a big huge time suck. No one can do anything around the house, because they are watching the baby. But what is it exactly they are watching the baby do?

If you’ve been around a baby for even a few hours, you realize they hardly ever stop. They don’t just sit around, hanging out. They are into everything, exploring, practicing their walking, talking and whatever else they have recently found out their bodies can do. My baby recently found that he does a very good downward dog, and frequently stops in the middle of what he is doing to perfect his pose. I’m sure this gives him an interesting perspective, viewing his world upside down, as he peers through his legs.

So, it seems to me, that having a person around you with so much energy, can either drain your own, or you can use it to keep you going.

When I get home, the productivity of the household shoots through the roof. Honestly, sometimes I just want to sit, and channel surf, and sometimes I want to take a power nap. Who doesn’t? But now that the baby is older, I find his energy can catapult me into more activity. Everything is new to him, and exciting, and watching that excites me.

So, that laundry my husband didn’t have time to do? I take the baby down to the basement with me (it takes about 5 minutes to navigate the stairs) and we do the laundry. He likes to pull the clothes out of the basket and throw them across the floor. We go over colors and I try to teach him to sort them. Sorting may take a few years, but he’s learning his colors. He also has an affinity for putting things into containers, so when the dryer is done, he helps me get the clothes into the basket. I did the same with my older son, and now he does his own laundry at the age of 12. Now if I could only teach either of them to fold…

Do homework with my other children can be a challenge, because the baby loves to gather papers, throw them around the room and scrunch and rip them. Forget the dog ate my homework excuse, babies can destroy homework quicker than you can blink. But sometimes the kids get reading homework, so why not have them read passages to their baby brother? The baby is starting to echo the sounds he hears, and reading aloud helps the older kids with their reading comprehension. Because now, they aren’t just gathering information through reading, they are telling their baby brother a story. Even if the baby’s attention wanes after 15 minutes, it was a good 15 minutes spent.

Yesterday the baby got the whole family moving. upon coming home from work, on one of the most gorgeous days we’ve had in a while, the baby was keen to go outside. He walked around my car, checking out the wheels, we checked the mail, even though it had been brought in hours ago, and went to check on the dogs in their pen. I had my older son bring out some dog treats, so the baby could give them to the dogs. Since he was outside, he decided to muck out the pen. Shortly after, my husband, wondering where everyone had gone, came out and noticed some weeds growing into the fence of the pen, so he decided to pull them out. Within 15 minutes, the pen was washed out, and trimmed back, and the dogs were very happy with treats in their bellies. Thanks to the baby.

On the weekends, when I get into my house cleaning routine, the baby helps me with almost everything. He likes to sweep the floor. He’s terrible at it, and the floors may not even look done when we finish, but who cares? We got the most of it and the baby is thrilled he got to use the broom. He helps pick up his toys in the living room so I can vacuum, and yells at me over the vroom of my Dyson. I can only guess he’s telling me I missed a spot.

I think he was the most help to me when I cleaned out my basement. Because he is so curious, he just seems to find things, things I forgot I had, or didn’t know was there, and I decide if it’s trash, donate or keep. He doesn’t have a very methodical way or going through our stored items, but his randomness keeps the daunting task interesting, and keeps me from retreating to the bedroom for a nap with my little one.

It is a very different style of house keeping than I’m used to. Every Saturday morning, I used to turn on every light in the house, and start at one end and work through to the other, shutting off the lights as I went. It was very thorough. Now, we start in the kitchen, wind our way to the living room, meander into the bathroom, making a pit-stop in the bedroom. It all gets done in the end, because you know… I’m watching the baby.