The Conception Roller Coaster

When you are trying to conceive, I find that hope springs eternal.

If your bra chafes your nipple, and now it’s tender, you’re pregnant.

You gained a few pounds, you’re pregnant.

If your period is an hour late, you’re pregnant.

I had never had the experience of trying to conceive before now. All four of my previous pregnancies were surprises. I wouldn’t call them unplanned, so much as I didn’t plan birth control, and hence, was nicely surprised.

But after having a baby in 2014 and a miscarriage in 2015, I find my fears and anxieties are through the roof. For anyone, after a miscarriage is scary to try to conceive, and thanks to Google, you can find tons of online communities filled with ladies going through the same thing. It’s a place where you, at once, yearn to be pregnant and hope you’re not at the same time.

Once you find yourself in that space where you are wondering if you are pregnant, you immediately wonder will it be okay. And when things don’t start normally, you have more fear that things will not work out.

For me, to take some of the guess-work out of the situation, I purchased and used an ovulation test, that measured LH surges. (If you are new to the conception lingo, LH surges can indicate that a woman is ovulating.) Assuming that I did everything right, I should have conceived. So, when my period didn’t show up, I assumed that I was pregnant.

But then I wasn’t so sure. The home pregnancy tests were all negative. I wasn’t feeling nauseous like I had in the past, and the same was true last year. So, immediately I become frightened that I’m going to have a repeat of last year. How can one be hopeful about being pregnant with those thoughts in their head?

Then I got the best advice ever from my mother. Plan a vacation.

“What!?” I said, “We are planning on having a baby, not go on vacation.” We can’t afford both. Was she nuts?

Nope. She was right.

The last thing you need when trying to conceive is to put pressure on yourself. That’s why the other pregnancies were a delightful surprise. I wasn’t planning on them or trying to make something happen that really is out of my hands. I was living my life and enjoying myself and was blessed.

So, it remains to be seen what actually is happening with me at this point. I’m not saying I’m going to take a laissez-faire approach to my health, but I am going to stop pretending like I have control over the miracle of life. I don’t have control over, no matter how many sticks I pee on, it will happen, or not, as it’s meant to. And really you enjoy life more, when you stop trying to control it.

 

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