I started this little blog in the hope of finding my voice. My supermom voice.
How could I have known that something so profound would happen, that it would make that voice clear and block out all the background noise. When I started writing, I knew there were more supermoms in the world than would admit it. No one thinks of themselves in that light.
In our perception that we could always improve, we obtain that supermom status. As they say, the only true wisdom is in knowing that you know nothing. As parents, and mothers, we are constantly trying to improve. We want to be better people for our children. That’s why people take night classes and second jobs. It’s why I have a pair of mom jeans that are my go to outfit, because the money I’m saving by not having the latest jeans, goes into my kids’ college fund.
So why are we unable to recognize our efforts. Maybe not label ourselves supermom, but pat ourselves on the back once in a while?
Last week, I had a missed miscarriage. On Saturday, I went into the E.R. dehydrated from all the morning sickness. I got some I.V. fluids, the ER doctor checked the baby and everything was right on track. The baby was bouncing around in there, and sucking his thumb. On Thursday, I went in to my Ob’s office for a pre-natal visit. I was 12 weeks today and my doctor and I were having pleasant conversation, and chuckling at things the other had said, and then her face changed. She couldn’t find a heartbeat on the Doppler. No worries, she said, we’ll go across that hall and look at the ultrasound. We had seen the heartbeat prior, so it should be no problem. I nervously mentioned that the baby was just fine Saturday in the ER, I’m sure everything was fine. It wasn’t. She couldn’t see a heartbeat, and called in one of the other doctors. She couldn’t see it either. They were able to get me in right away for the high risk doctor, who in their view, had much better equipment, that could see with more depth. In that ultrasound, I stared at my baby’s chest, and it was so still.
It was finally hitting me what they were trying to tell me. My baby had passed away. I immediately blamed myself.
Since Thursday, everyone has told me it isn’t my fault. The doctors, my husband, my family and friends, even my support from my online baby board. These things happen, there was nothing I could do. I was not to blame. I’ll probably need to hear this a thousand more times before I truly believe there was nothing I could do.
As mothers, we always find more to do, with our ultimate goal being that we protect our children. When you are unable to do that, you can’t help but feel that you’ve failed. This is why I believe there are so many out there, that are unable to recognize their role as supermom. Because we always feel that we can stretch a little further, do a little more and accomplish more, we forever remain, not yet supermom.
This blog will be the voice of all those women, constantly striving for more for our children.